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14,1 Ego & Thou 14,2 The Lifecircle 14,3 PTSD
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Secret 14,3 · Values / Needs · PTSD

PTSD

PTSD does not only come from war and disaster. It can begin in a childhood without safety, surface decades later in a situation at work, and settle into a relationship that holds love and unease at once. The symptoms, the partner’s experience, and what actually helps.

The theme is as old as the story of Adam and Eve. Edvard Munch interpreted the mood in his own way, in the painting Jealousy.

A painting in a plain wooden frame: at the left, under a tree hung with red fruit, a woman stands in an open red robe with one arm raised to a branch, beside a man in dark clothing; at the right, filling half the canvas, a bearded man with a green-grey face stares out past the viewer.
Jealousy, Edvard Munch. The mood is older than the name we now give it, and a Norwegian painter had already set it down.

When childhood leaves deep scars

Skeletons in the closet

Not all trauma stems from war, accidents, or disasters. Some begin quietly — in silence — as a child begins to sense they were not wanted. Growing up without feeling loved or wanted can leave deep, lasting marks. For some, this develops into Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD).

A situation at work can trigger unexpected reactions for their lives today. Employees carrying hidden wounds from a childhood and life lacking basic safety and attachment may have developed PTSD — a reaction to a life where basic safety and emotional connection were missing. Experiences from a childhood where one felt worthless can be repeated and recognised in a work situation. Over time, this can erode self-esteem, trust in others, and the ability to rely on teamwork and the confidence and friendship of partners, friends and working colleagues.

As a partner: be aware of symptoms such as

  • Restlessness in the body
  • Difficulty with close relationships
  • Flashbacks of childhood emptiness
  • Trust in a partner’s love
  • Shame without words
  • Or the feeling of never being “okay”

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PTSD can creep in

Help.

“I live in involuntary celibacy. Just trying to touch her, or give her a hug, she freezes. It started after her 50th birthday, when she told me about something that happened with her boss — before we got married. We both believed love would conquer it. But everything changed. Help!”

The other side of it

Loving someone with PTSD

Being the partner of someone with PTSD can be both deeply challenging and deeply meaningful. Many describe it as being in a relationship where love and unease live side by side. Here are some common experiences and feelings that partners may go through.

You witness something you can’t “fix”

It can be painful to see the person you love struggle with flashbacks, depression, or inner turmoil — and at the same time feel powerless. You want to help, but PTSD isn’t something that disappears through love or logic. It’s like hearing: “I love you, but I can’t erase what happened.”

Unpredictability in intimate moments

Sometimes, closeness can trigger discomfort. Physical or emotional boundaries may suddenly shift. A kiss might be rejected. A normal disagreement might lead to your partner withdrawing completely. This can be confusing and hurtful — even if it’s not really about you.

Feeling rejected or alone

Someone with PTSD may go through periods of emotional shutdown, becoming distant, or needing a lot of time alone. You might feel rejected, unnecessary, or like you’re standing outside the relationship — even while being right in the middle of it.

Walking on eggshells

Some partners become overly accommodating. You might become very careful with what you say, suggest, how you touch, or how you express frustration — afraid of triggering something.

Deep loyalty and love

Many partners also describe a deeper love — because they know what their partner has been through and see the strength it takes to live with such vulnerability. It creates a kind of bond that may not be visible to the outside world.

Not a cure, but a direction

What can help?

Loving someone with PTSD takes patience, understanding, and genuine compassion — and still, the relationship may at times feel like a desert: scorching storms and unimaginable dryness. Some couples manage to turn that desert into a space for healing and growth.

This is not a diagnosis, and it isn’t only for partners — it also applies to leading someone through a hard patch. Which of these are already part of how you show up, for a partner, a colleague, or yourself?

Mark what is already part of how you show up.

But know this: the causes are beyond your control. You are both survivors.

An open notebook and two sharpened pencils on a dark desk under the pool of light from a lamp, the page still blank.
The exercise wants a pen and paper, not a keyboard.
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Homework 14,3

A keyword or two

The School of Life is based on experiential learning. This means that memories and emotions tied to past experiences can be processed, developed, and used constructively in similar situations in the future. This applies to both new, exciting and positive experiences, as well as experiences involving loss, grief, and emotional pain.

No one escapes the School of Life — not even you. So take a moment to notice the association, memory, or specific situation that just surfaced for you. How did you handle it? How did you respond? Do you recognise any of what you have just read? Write down a keyword or two — and consider that what you have written is there for your benefit. Good luck.

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See, listen and learn with our SGL videos

Video coming Recognising PTSD, in yourself or others Video coming Death, Without Sting — on grief Podcast coming Click and listen to the podcast
SGL Secrets — For those who are in need, and those who want a lot!

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